"Codependency is taking care of someone else, hoping you can get a little of that care reflected back vicariously. It never works. You give away what you most need yourself, and then end up feeling resentful." - Carol Munter, PhD.
Codependency, Adult Child Issues, Assertiveness and Self Esteem
The moment you realized you had codependent behaviors, you may have felt a sense of shame - but maybe also some relief. When you understand how and why you developed codependency as a survival strategy, you begin developing compassion for yourself - and the child you once were.
People who are codependent are people who were never able to just relax and be children. Often they were raised by parents who had difficulty functioning as adults. Their parents may have been alcoholic, or may have suffered from anxiety, depression, poverty, or even post traumatic stress. If you were raised in this kind of family, you probably learned early on not to count on others, not to ask for what you need, not to expect consistency, and not to feel your emotions. In short, you learned not to have a self - except as a reflection of others. And now, as an adult, your feeling of value and worth comes, not from who you are, but how well you please others.
Anxiety
Codependent people may look like they're in control, but down deep, what they really feel is anxiety, fear, uncertainty. When your sense of self and security come from other people, you are never really safe. As soon as you dissappoint someone, your value as a "good person" is called into question. You can't make mistakes. You have to be perfect.
Control Issues
Since you have to be perfect, you have to be in control. Because you couldn't rely on a consistent, emotionally available caregiver, you came to believe that if you wanted something done right, you had to do it yourself. These behaviors were adaptive growing up, but now, they're backfiring. You're exhausted all the time. You've chosen loved ones (or accidentally entrained them) who allow you, even expect you to do everything. You feel resentful, but terrified to let go, to let someone take care of you for a change. (Read more about Control issues here.)
People Pleasing
Codependents were trained to be wonderful caregivers. You may have a knack for anticipating what others want/need. You may feel drawn to serving others. Many codependents go into nursing, childcare service, teaching, or customer service. You may have a knack for calming difficult people, though often, after encountering someone who is angry or abusive, you feel shame or anger yourself. You may turn to drugs, alcohol, food or shopping to relieve the tension of putting up with abuse. You may attract the wrong partners, bosses or friends - people who unconsciously sense your desire to please and your fear of conflict, and use those qualities to exploit you.
Letting Go of Codependency
The journey out of codependency can feel scary at first, but is ultimately joyful and liberating. The relief that comes from letting go of guilt, fear, resentment, and over-caretaking others is profound - often like putting down a heavy load. Developing a relationship with yourself, where your needs are respected, your feelings are valued, and your worth is recognized by YOU unconditionally is an amazing gift.
Schedule Consultation
Find out if therapy can help. Call for a free 30-minute consultation: (925)335-6441 or begin the scheduling process online by clicking here: Schedule Consultation. I generally respond to inquiries Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays and will contact you as soon as possible.
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