"Jealousy is simply the fear of abandonment."
- Unknown
Understanding Jealousy
When you or your partner feels an intense, negative emotion, you can bet that he or she is having a fight or flight response. This response happens in your brain stem - the part that is made for basic survival. When you feel threatened physically or emotionally, your brain stem sends surges of chemicals into your body to help you fight or flee.
When you feel jealous, you're experiencing a threat to your primary attachment. The basic survival part of your brain feels that if you lose this person, something terrible will happen. It puts you on high alert to avoid this perceived danger. For many people with chronic jealousy, there is an old wound to a primary attachment. This may be an old relationship in which you were betrayed. Or it may go back to your earliest childhood.
If your parents were preoccupied, stressed or had difficulty knowing what you needed to feel safe and secure as a baby, you may have grown up feeling like you were on your own, craving close connection, but fearing that you could never really have it completely. If your parents were overburdened, they may have accidentally given you the impression that you were a burden or that you need for closeness was too much or that you were too sensitive.
When an old attachment wound gets triggered in the present - maybe your spouse or partner travels a lot, or forgot to call when they said they would - that's when you begin noticing every little shift in your partner, checking every credit card statement, every cell phone log. It's a terrible feeling - and even worse if you know, rationally, that your partner is not cheating and has no intention of leaving. Then you might also feel ashamed of being jealous.
When Your Partner Gets Jealous
When your partner feels jealous, you may get triggered too. Their intense feelings may trigger a painful counter-reaction in you. Often the feeling or belief is, "She/he thinks I'm a bad person, a liar, a cheater." Then YOU feel threatened. Your sense of self - of being a good, kind and loving person is threatened.
When we're "under siege" - having an experience like the one above, we lose the ability to think clearly and empathize with our loved one. If your partner's jealousy make you feel angry or hurt, your primary aim and focus will naturally be restoring your own feelings of worth and goodness.
You may argue, trying to convince him/her that he/she is wrong. Or you may withdraw, protecting yourself from the negative words and feelings. But these reactions don't work. Your partner can't be convinced, no matter what you say. And if you withdraw, he/she gets even more upset - in his/her fear of losing you, he/she has in fact "lost" you - even if its only for a few hours.
Steps to Healing Jealousy
If jealousy isn't addressed with love, understanding and restoration of positive feelings, it will return over and over again. You already know from experience that jealousy can't be fixed with arguments or avoidance.
- To heal jealousy, you both need to know that it may have deep roots in a very painful past experience of being abandoned, rejected to made to feel less-than or not-good-enough.
- Being ashamed of feeling jealous gets in the way of healing. So identify and let go of shame.
- If the jealous partner could calm themselves down, they would. They need help to do so. If your partner is jealous, make a commitment to helping them feel safe with you. This may mean spending special time together daily. It may mean sharing phone records openly. It may mean reassuring them using affection, tenderness and finding the right words - words that really make them feel safe and loved.
If it's hard to heal jealousy on your own, it may be time to get outside help. Really understanding the roots of jealousy, overcoming shame, shifting negative beliefs, and changing defensive reactions is a big task. But it is a do-able task, and one that can make your relationship strong, safe, secure and deeply loving.
Read another one of Julie's Articles for Couples
Tools to Strengthen Relationship
Control Issues
Moving from Hurt or Anger to Love
Making Your Relationship a Safe Haven
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