"Love Heals."
- Unknown
Making Your Relationship a Safe Haven
None of us escapes childhood without some level of hurt or disappointment. Some of us faced big hurt and big disappointment. These experiences stay in our brains like little warning systems, trying to help up stay safe in the future. When we have an experience that reminds us of those early experiences, our warning systems go off. Depending on how we learned to respond to feeling threatened in childhood, we may get angry and fight. We may get scared and hide or run. We may try to fix things and placate.
These strategies are the main reason why couples come in to therapy. What may seem like a recurring argument about money or sex or cleaning or parenting or in-laws - is in fact an argument about feeling emotionally safe. It may not be an argument. It may be a loss of closeness or intimacy as one person or both go into hiding. Or it may be that your relationship looks great to others but feels like a shell - an indication that one or both of you is placating to keep the peace.
Usually we remain unconscious of our warning system. We may see it in our partner - but it's harder to see in ourselves - like trying to see your back without a mirror. Therapy is a place where you can start to see how your warning system works. As you become more aware, you may remember feeling hurt, criticized, neglected, abandoned or abused in childhood.
As these memories surface, you and your partner can start to feel compassion for that pain you've been carrying (and vice-versa). You may feel like "Aha! I finally get why money (or sex or cleaning or in-laws) is such a big deal for him/her." And with that "Aha!" comes compassion and a desire to really become a safe haven for the hurt each person experienced. Ironically, it is in this process that we can really fall in love with our partners - not the early romantic love that was based on flowers and fantasies - but the deep love that comes from bearing your soul to another being and feeling deeply heard and understood.
As you become a safe place for each other, the surface things become less important. The money, cleaning, parenting and in-laws may remain the same, but they no longer feel like a problem. You each now see that your husband or wife or partner is not trying to drive you crazy or hurt your feelings. They become a friend and ally who is doing the best they can to love you - while also taking care of their own needs for safety, security, belonging, esteem. You help them meet these needs - just as they help you, by being there, listening, and extending your empathy and compassion.
We can never be all things to the ones we love. But we can hold them with tenderness, kindness and concern - even when we disappoint them. And we can ask for the same when we feel disappointed. This tenderness makes the relationship a safe and loving space in a challenging and sometimes scary world.
Read another one of Julie's Articles for Couples
Tools to Strengthen Relationship
Control Issues
Moving from Hurt or Anger to Love
Understanding Jealousy
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