"Every child is a feather on the white wing of the Universe."
- Laura Teresa Marquez
Low Self Esteem
No matter what problem clients come in for, whether they come alone or together, whether they are depressed or anxious, addicted or not, there is one common denominator: shame. Typically they say, "I just don't like myself." Low self-esteem is like being left in a dark room with someone who does nothing but criticize.
The Connection Between Low Self Esteem and Shame
Unlike guilt, which is the awareness that our behavior has caused pain for someone, shame is the belief that you ARE bad or wrong or weak (or something yucky). Most people with low self esteem were shamed as kids. They got messages from parents, teachers or peers that made them feel like there were too much to take or not good enough.
Signs of Low Self Esteem
- Depression and or anxiety
- Choosing friends and lovers who are exploitive, critical, unfaithful or addicted to something
- Taking work or pay that is less than commensurate for your skills or abilities
- Saying yes when you want to say no
- Proving yourself, your worth, your ability over and over
- Feelings of failure despite evidence of success
- Fears about the future
- Rumination about the past
- A harsh inner critic that shames you before others get a chance
- Turning to addictive substances or activities to numb and distract you from the pain
Shame is Traumatic
When you're young, feeling a sense of belonging and value is crucial to your healthy development. If you are preoccupied with proving yourself or hiding your supposed flaws, you don't have the freedom and joy to explore life openly.
If you're not sure whether people will love and accept you as you are, you may find yourself avoiding others, and missing out on experiences. Or you may find yourself agreeing with others or pretending to be like them. It may feel like you don't have a real self, only masks you wear to fit in. While this is a very inventive and adaptive survival tool, it may bring on more shame later in life.
Healing Low Self Esteem
Healing is a process. It requires the presence of a person or people who are able to accept and appreciate you exactly as you are (even if you're not sure who you are yet). This is why therapy is so much more effective than self help books or assertiveness classes. Because you are a relational being and shame is a relational process, finding a relationship that is free from criticism and judgment is crucial.
In therapy, I've had good success helping many people transform their inner critic into an ally and friend, developing compassion and tenderness for the child they once were. Out of this compassion and kindness, a safe place inside opens up. And with this new safety, it becomes easier to risk:
Becoming more and more of your true self
Finding relationships that are nurturing and mutual
Standing up for yourself
Pursuing dreams and goals
Living fully without fear
Knowing deep within that you deserve happiness and love
Schedule a Free Consultation
There is NOTHING more important than finding a therapist you like, trust and feel safe with. This is why I offer a free consultation of 30 minutes. This way you can see what it's like to spend time with me, ask questions and get a feel for how I work. If I'm not the right therapist for you, it's 100% okay to say so. I'll even help you find someone you feel more connected to. 925-518-4072.
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