"Every child is a feather on the white wing of the Universe." - Laura Teresa Marquez
Depression, Low Self Esteem and Shame
No matter what problem clients come in for, whether they come alone or together, whether they are depressed or anxious, addicted or not, there is one common denominator: shame. Typically they say, "I just don't like myself." Low self-esteem is like being left in a dark room with someone who does nothing but criticize.
The Connection Between Depression, Low Self Esteem and Shame
Unlike guilt, which is the awareness that our behavior has caused pain for someone, shame is the belief that you ARE bad or wrong or weak (or something yucky). Most people with depression or low self esteem were shamed as kids. They got messages from parents, teachers or peers that made them feel like there were too much to take or not good enough.
If you're depressed you already know it. You feel blah, sad, irritable. You might be sleeping too much or not enough. You might be eating too much or not enough. You might be drinking too much or working to much - trying to escape the pain. If you think shame or low self-esteem is causing or contributing to your depression, this checklist might be helpful.
Signs of Low Self Esteem
- Depression and or anxiety
- Choosing friends and lovers who are exploitive, critical, unfaithful or addicted to something
- Taking work or pay that is less than commensurate for your skills or abilities
- Saying yes when you want to say no
- Proving yourself, your worth, your ability over and over
- Feelings of failure despite evidence of success
- Fears about the future
- Rumination about the past
- A harsh inner critic that shames you before others get a chance
- Turning to addictive substances or activities to numb and distract you from the pain
Shame is Traumatic
When you're young, feeling a sense of belonging and value is crucial to your healthy development. If you are preoccupied with proving yourself or hiding your supposed flaws, you don't have the freedom and joy to explore life openly.
If you're not sure whether people will love and accept you as you are, you may find yourself avoiding others, and missing out on experiences. Or you may find yourself agreeing with others or pretending to be like them. It may feel like you don't have a real self, only masks you wear to fit in. While this is a very inventive and adaptive survival tool, it may bring on more shame later in life.
Healing Depression, Shame and Low Self Esteem
Healing is a process. It requires the presence of a person or people who are able to accept and appreciate you exactly as you are (even if you're not sure who you are yet). This is why therapy is so much more effective than self help books or classes. Because you are a relational being and shame is a relational process, finding a relationship that is free from criticism and judgment is crucial.
We have good success helping many people transform their inner critic into an ally and friend, developing compassion and tenderness for the child they once were. Out of this compassion and kindness, a safe place inside opens up. And with this new safety, it becomes easier to risk:
- Becoming more and more of your true self
- Finding relationships that are nurturing and mutual
- Standing up for yourself
- Pursuing dreams and goals
- Living fully without fear
- Knowing deep within that you deserve happiness and love
Schedule a Free Consultation
Find out if therapy can help you feel worthy and deserving. You can call for a free 30-minute consultation: (925)335-6441 or begin the scheduling process online by clicking here: Schedule Consultation. You will be contacted within one business day, Tuesday through Friday.
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