"I got gaps; you got gaps; we fill each other's gaps."
- Rocky
Tools to Strengthen Your Relationship
By Julie Levin, MA, MFT
Imagine for a moment that you could be completely vulnerable with your partner. Imagine knowing you could trust him/her 100%, and that trust is mutual. You would be able to relax, to say whatever you need to say to ask for help or support. Imagine knowing that s/he is always on your side.
Hard to Imagine?
When relationships are strained, it is inevitably because one or both people have lost the ability to trust. It always seems like this is part of a cause-and-effect reaction. "He uses it against me when I open up, so I just stopped opening up," is something I hear a lot. Or, "She is always angry with me. If she could just tell me what she wants without yelling, I would listen more."
Each person feels the other's defenses and then responds defensively in turn. We see our partner's role in the problem, but not how we accidentally add to the problem. And often, the defenses creep up slowly and subtly - at least at first.
The Subtle Shift
Here's an example. You feel your mate pull away the first time you talk about saving money. Then you guess s/he doesn't like talking about saving money. If you assume your guess is correct without checking, you might stop talking about money all together to avoid that pulling away. Your mate notices that you don't talk about money anymore and guesses that you're not comfortable with it, unaware of the previous interaction. S/he doesn't check with you, and now you both avoid the discussion even though one or both of you really wants support about saving money.
We begin unconsciously "testing" our mates from the first date. When we talk about something more emotional or intimate, we watch closely to see how they respond. If they are supportive and encouraging, we risk opening up more. If we sense discomfort or disapproval, we withdraw - even if we perceive that discomfort incorrectly - even if we can help them get through any discomfort by sharing our ease.
The Erosion of Trust
Over time, if we don't feel comfortable opening up - that is, being vulnerable - we either continue withdrawing or we fight. For most couples, there is a little of both. The cure is figuring out how to stop moving away from or against each other and instead move toward each other. In other words, the task for couples in distress is to figure out how to be vulnerable with each other again.
The First Step: Commitment
The first step is to recognize that the strategies of withdrawing and fighting are designed to protect couples from feeling rejected or abandoned (the vulnerable stuff). Therefore, when you work on your relationship, the first line of business to commit. You may decide to put limits on the commitment, for example, "I will fully commit to this relationship for one year." Make sure you don't set limits that doom you to failure. Give the relationship enough time - at LEAST six months - to work out.
Be very specific about what it means to each of you to fully commit. How much time will you spend together each week? How much of that time will you devote to talking about your relationship? Do want to find a therapist you both like who can offer expertise and objectivity? What distractions are you willing to let go of? What activities might sabotage trust? Infidelity, addiction, and over-commitment to work or family are some of the ways we avoid working on our primary relationships.
The Second Step: Communicating With I Statements to Avoid Blame
Second, commit to improving your communication skills. There are a lot of great books and classes available on couples communication. They will all emphasize "I-Statements" and "Active Listening" skills.
I-Statements help people talk about their feelings and needs/wants without blaming or shaming other people. An example might be, "I feel taken for granted, and I want to know I'm appreciated with notes, little gifts, or phone calls a couple times a month." (Being specific about wants and needs helps the other person learn what makes you feel taken care of, and no, they don't already know this!). When you express your feelings and needs directly without making your mate feel bad about her/himself, s/he will be more able to hear and respond to your needs.
The Third Step: Active Listening to Provide Understanding
Active Listening is the partner of I-Statements. Usually when couples fight, there is an internal dialogue that runs while the other person is talking. Your mate might say, "On Wednesday, it happened again..." and before the sentence is over, the dialogue in your own mind begins, "S/he is always blaming me. It's not my fault when these things happen. It takes two to tango..." And before you know it, your mate is on to the next topic and you haven't really heard what was said.
With Active Listening, each partner commits to turning off the internal dialogue temporarily so they can listen to the other person fully. The goal is to be able to re-state what your partner has said without adding or changing any of the content. In re-stating, you are not parroting the same words back. You are saying, "This is what I heard you say. Did I understand that correctly?" Re-stating does not mean you agree with your partner, just that you heard and understood what they said.
Think about the last time you knew that someone really understood you. How did that feel? I imagine it was good. It will feel good when you and your partner can give each other that same understanding. And it will make it easier to disagree if you know your partner has at least heard and understood you first (and vice-versa).
Each of these three processes, committing, using I-Statements, and using Active Listening require courage and strength. It's not easy to say, "I feel hurt, and I need to know you still love me." In fact it's scary as all get out. It's also hard to reflect back, "You're hurting, and you're not sure I still love you." This kind of communication is new and strange for most people. It's like putting your heart out and hoping it doesn't get squashed. But it works. And it's not as hard as ending the relationship.
I encourage you to try these skills, get support if you need it, and email me to let me know how it works!
Read one of Julie's other articles
Moving from Hurt or Anger to Love
Understanding Jealousy
Control Issues
Making Your Relationship a Safe Haven
Return to couples page
Schedule Consultation
Find out if therapy can help. Call for a free 30-minute consultation: (925)335-6441 or begin the scheduling process online by clicking here: Schedule Consultation. I generally respond to inquiries and consulation requests on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, and will contact you as soon as possible. You can also check my current availability here.
return to home page
- Rocky
Tools to Strengthen Your Relationship
By Julie Levin, MA, MFT
Imagine for a moment that you could be completely vulnerable with your partner. Imagine knowing you could trust him/her 100%, and that trust is mutual. You would be able to relax, to say whatever you need to say to ask for help or support. Imagine knowing that s/he is always on your side.
Hard to Imagine?
When relationships are strained, it is inevitably because one or both people have lost the ability to trust. It always seems like this is part of a cause-and-effect reaction. "He uses it against me when I open up, so I just stopped opening up," is something I hear a lot. Or, "She is always angry with me. If she could just tell me what she wants without yelling, I would listen more."
Each person feels the other's defenses and then responds defensively in turn. We see our partner's role in the problem, but not how we accidentally add to the problem. And often, the defenses creep up slowly and subtly - at least at first.
The Subtle Shift
Here's an example. You feel your mate pull away the first time you talk about saving money. Then you guess s/he doesn't like talking about saving money. If you assume your guess is correct without checking, you might stop talking about money all together to avoid that pulling away. Your mate notices that you don't talk about money anymore and guesses that you're not comfortable with it, unaware of the previous interaction. S/he doesn't check with you, and now you both avoid the discussion even though one or both of you really wants support about saving money.
We begin unconsciously "testing" our mates from the first date. When we talk about something more emotional or intimate, we watch closely to see how they respond. If they are supportive and encouraging, we risk opening up more. If we sense discomfort or disapproval, we withdraw - even if we perceive that discomfort incorrectly - even if we can help them get through any discomfort by sharing our ease.
The Erosion of Trust
Over time, if we don't feel comfortable opening up - that is, being vulnerable - we either continue withdrawing or we fight. For most couples, there is a little of both. The cure is figuring out how to stop moving away from or against each other and instead move toward each other. In other words, the task for couples in distress is to figure out how to be vulnerable with each other again.
The First Step: Commitment
The first step is to recognize that the strategies of withdrawing and fighting are designed to protect couples from feeling rejected or abandoned (the vulnerable stuff). Therefore, when you work on your relationship, the first line of business to commit. You may decide to put limits on the commitment, for example, "I will fully commit to this relationship for one year." Make sure you don't set limits that doom you to failure. Give the relationship enough time - at LEAST six months - to work out.
Be very specific about what it means to each of you to fully commit. How much time will you spend together each week? How much of that time will you devote to talking about your relationship? Do want to find a therapist you both like who can offer expertise and objectivity? What distractions are you willing to let go of? What activities might sabotage trust? Infidelity, addiction, and over-commitment to work or family are some of the ways we avoid working on our primary relationships.
The Second Step: Communicating With I Statements to Avoid Blame
Second, commit to improving your communication skills. There are a lot of great books and classes available on couples communication. They will all emphasize "I-Statements" and "Active Listening" skills.
I-Statements help people talk about their feelings and needs/wants without blaming or shaming other people. An example might be, "I feel taken for granted, and I want to know I'm appreciated with notes, little gifts, or phone calls a couple times a month." (Being specific about wants and needs helps the other person learn what makes you feel taken care of, and no, they don't already know this!). When you express your feelings and needs directly without making your mate feel bad about her/himself, s/he will be more able to hear and respond to your needs.
The Third Step: Active Listening to Provide Understanding
Active Listening is the partner of I-Statements. Usually when couples fight, there is an internal dialogue that runs while the other person is talking. Your mate might say, "On Wednesday, it happened again..." and before the sentence is over, the dialogue in your own mind begins, "S/he is always blaming me. It's not my fault when these things happen. It takes two to tango..." And before you know it, your mate is on to the next topic and you haven't really heard what was said.
With Active Listening, each partner commits to turning off the internal dialogue temporarily so they can listen to the other person fully. The goal is to be able to re-state what your partner has said without adding or changing any of the content. In re-stating, you are not parroting the same words back. You are saying, "This is what I heard you say. Did I understand that correctly?" Re-stating does not mean you agree with your partner, just that you heard and understood what they said.
Think about the last time you knew that someone really understood you. How did that feel? I imagine it was good. It will feel good when you and your partner can give each other that same understanding. And it will make it easier to disagree if you know your partner has at least heard and understood you first (and vice-versa).
Each of these three processes, committing, using I-Statements, and using Active Listening require courage and strength. It's not easy to say, "I feel hurt, and I need to know you still love me." In fact it's scary as all get out. It's also hard to reflect back, "You're hurting, and you're not sure I still love you." This kind of communication is new and strange for most people. It's like putting your heart out and hoping it doesn't get squashed. But it works. And it's not as hard as ending the relationship.
I encourage you to try these skills, get support if you need it, and email me to let me know how it works!
Read one of Julie's other articles
Moving from Hurt or Anger to Love
Understanding Jealousy
Control Issues
Making Your Relationship a Safe Haven
Return to couples page
Schedule Consultation
Find out if therapy can help. Call for a free 30-minute consultation: (925)335-6441 or begin the scheduling process online by clicking here: Schedule Consultation. I generally respond to inquiries and consulation requests on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, and will contact you as soon as possible. You can also check my current availability here.
return to home page
