Codependence: Giving others the care that we really need to give ourselves

"Thank you for teaching me how to value myself. I used to look for that value to come from everyone else - and felt so hurt and resentful when it didn't. Now I'm the one who loves me best. I'm the one I depend on. And I'm very dependable!"

Do you find yourself...

• Saying yes when you really want to say no?
• Offering to help when you're too tired or too busy?
• Befriending people who are not a great fit for you?
• Tolerating behavior in others that leaves you feeling hurt, criticized, or unappreciated?
• Simmering with resentment?

These are all signs of codependent behavior - even if you don't have addiction in your life.

Codependency is a strategy we develop - often as kids - to get our needs met when the people in charge of us are not great of taking care of us - or themselves. We discover that being helpful gets us a little more of the care we need. So we become helpful, often at our own expense.

As adults, we tend to attract friends and partners who are stuck, needy, or dependent in some way. We recognize in them our own wish to be taken care of. And we empathize - maybe too much. We end up giving them the care we really need to be giving ourselves.

I would love to help you let go of this old strategy, instead giving the wonderful care you've been giving away - to your very own self. We might work on letting go of the belief that it's mean or selfish to take care of your own needs and let others take care of themselves. We might work on letting go of the belief that your value lies in what you do for others.

And we will celebrate all the steps you take - big and small - as you learn to cherish yourself and value yourself the way you really needed when you were little. Along the way, you may end up, not just valuing yourself, but deeply loving this person who takes such good care of you.

It would be an honor and a pleasure to mentor you and coach you in this journey of learning to love yourself.